a lesson given, a lesson learned

i've never considered myself a great public speaker... surprising, considering that i love the public and never run out of things to say. i was always getting in trouble in school for talking too much during class. standing up on stage and acting like a fool in front of hundreds of people, i can do. but standing up at a pulpit speaking in front of even a handful of people, makes my palms sweaty and my stomach turn. you can imagine my fear, not to mention my nervous laughter, last month, when i was called to be an instructor for our relief society at my church. we are given the option of declining or accepting a calling, however, i have never felt right turning down a calling. i believe that i'm called to certain positions for a reason, no matter how inadequate or wrong i might feel for the calling. i believe the Lord has a purpose for me in those callings, whether it is to learn, teach or simply befriend another individual who i might serve with or in turn, they befriend or help me. i would hate to ever miss out on such opportunities. so, despite my fears and doubts, i accepted the calling.

yesterday was my first turn to teach the lesson. i had no idea how it was going to go, or what to expect. i knew that i would have to stand before such strong and intelligent women, who have raised children, gone on missions, lost husbands, endured trials... women with so much more life experience than i, who know the gospel and scriptures so much better than myself. i knew that for 25 minutes i would have to "teach" them a lesson they probably knew so much more than my young testimony could imagine, and that every eye in that room would be completely on me. but despite this knowledge, somehow, i was more calm than i have ever been standing in front of a group of people. not once did i feel my voice shake, my heart pound, my legs weaken or feel tears of nerves flood my eyes. i didn't lay awake the night before worrying about everything; something that i do even when it comes to rather insignificant events. i have never felt the spirit so strong, yet so calmly and peacefully, and i have rarely felt as physically carried by the Lord as i did that afternoon. in fact, until i closed my lesson the nerves never overtook me. i was given an errand, and was simply an instrument and when i fulfilled my purpose, taught what i was supposed to teach, that mantle left, and i became the nervous, scared, young, insecure, woman that i know all too well.

i don't remember exactly what i said, or if it came out as well as i wanted it to. i don't know if anyone really learned anything from me or if they felt the spirit very strongly. many people came up to me afterwards and thanked me and complimented me, but it's really all a blur... i can't remember anything specific that anyone said. but what i do know, is that i have been blessed with a wonderful calling which gives me the opportunity to feel the spirit in a way that i haven't felt before, which strengthens my testimony and allows me to study and learn the gospel and scriptures on a completely different level. and hopefully, despite my flaws and shortcomings, the spirit will shine past and those who are there and listening will be touched, their lamps filled and spirits edified.