again

so there we were, in our small apartment, just the two of us.  our new place.  our lives.  our state. our hard work and sacrifices.  our dream and our future.  i could picture it all, clearly.  six years ago, it was vivid, alive, possible... but imaginary.  the harsh truth was that that wasn't our life and that it wouldn't be, in our near future.  

six years ago, we began the hardest, disappointing, reality-biting, expensive, discouraging, and stressful path to our future.  my dear husband has worked hard trying to get us there, working and going to school long hours, studying late at night, observing, taking test after test, praying... he at one point had to take one of his classes at mcc because he had met his credit hour limit at asu and they wouldn't let him take on one more class.  on top of the 21 credits he took that semester, he also held a full-time job.  we spent a lot of time away from each other those first few years trying to reach our goal.  so many sacrifices have been made on our way.  he graduated with his major in biology but still it was only a stepping stone to where we wanted to be.  and where we wanted to be changed, half-way through our journey.  the stress of it all spilled onto the rest of our lives and our marriage.  not a day went by that we didn't think of it all.

yet year after year, we were met with disappointment.  rejection letters from colleges all over the country filled our mailbox and each letter stung a little more than the one before.  i remember bryce sitting quiet and me crying every single time we opened one up and read the bad news.  and then i remember not crying.  i'm not sure when it happened but it began to be numbing.  it began to be typical.  even to those who we needed the most support from.  and not until today, when we once more heard the rejection from the final school we were waiting on, did i remember how much it stung to have someone take it all away from you and not give you that chance.  we have sent out over 40 applications over the past few years and over 40 apologetic letters have been sent in return.  

i know my husband is capable of doing this.  i have witnessed his hard work and desire first hand.  he is smart and intelligent.  he is kind, loving, patient, understanding and compassionate.  and i know that all of these qualities would make him absolutely wonderful at his profession if he would only be given a chance.  and somewhere, deep in our hearts our little dream, although dimmed, is still there.  our small place, our little lives, no longer just the two of us... some details changed, but it's still there.  and so we begin, again.  fighting off the discouragement, overcoming the failures, and enduring the disappointing past, we look forward, once more.  we remember why we're doing this.  we remember that even when those around us have lost interest and support, that we have each other.  that bryce has me, always.  and that i will be right there with him, through it all.  and when he gets there, there will be none prouder than me.