it's hard to believe that one week has already passed since emaline's birth. it's been interesting adjusting to this new addition to our family. i've realized that change is not something that i handle well, but i do get a handle on it... eventually. i've been an emotional wreck all week. thoughts i expected to have, i don't have and thoughts/feelings i didn't expect are surprising me from all around. i love my baby emaline, and have surprisingly bonded with her so quickly already. my love for my ava has grown even more... i thought i already loved her to full capacity, but somehow, i love her even more now, or at least love her in a whole new way. same with bryce, with every child i have my love expands for him. but mostly, i've been struggling these past few days with thoughts about ava. i am worried about her growing up too fast, i'm sad that it's no longer just our family of three. i'm sad that i can't give her my full attention. i cry when she wants to sit on my lap while i'm nursing or when she wants me to hold her instead of the baby. although, i thought she would have a harder time with me holding the baby, it's when bryce holds her that ava gets really upset and jealous. i hate to see her sad, it truly breaks my heart. i must give her some credit though, she has handled this change far better than i have. her jealous moments are few and far between and honestly copes with everything better than i thought she would. the problem lies mostly with me and my feelings and concerns. i really had no idea that this change would be so difficult for me, i mean i already had one and i was able to cope with that change. i guess it's because this change no longer just affects bryce and i but also affects one of the most important people in my life... ava.
i've been behind on blog reading, mostly because when i do have any spare time, all i want to do is spend it with ava or bryce. (don't worry, emaline is getting plenty of my time as well.) but also, i can't seem to read a post without my eyes welling up with tears... even if it's not about anything sad. i know most of these feelings are a result of fluctuating hormones, but even so, they are real feelings and i'm waiting for time to pass until i feel normal again. i can't wait until my family feels like my family again. today, was the first day in a while that i almost felt normal again, that my relationship with ava almost felt the way it once did. throughout this week, a few pictures keep coming to my mind that, for some reason, bring me comfort. an old friend from high school's, wife started doing photography and posted these a while back... months later, they entered my mind and have given me reason to believe that i'm going to be okay, ava's going to be okay, and we will once again feel our feet on the ground, encircled with love. (heather, i realize it's kinda weird and i bet you had no idea that posting those pictures would help someone but i'm glad you did, thank you.)
i'd love to hear about your thoughts/experiences/advice... please share.
12 comments:
The night before I had Jack-Attack I laid down next to Colin and cried my eyes out while he slept. I was mourning the loss of just the three of us. I knew things would be different for him the next day and that really upset me. I just wanted to capture that last moment of just me and him. While I was in surgery, I kept thinking about him, wondering what he was doing, thinking about all the awesome times we had together.
But you know what?
The best days are yet to come.
If I could go back in time, I would hug myself and tell me that I don't have to worry. Colin would be an awesome big brother. That having Jack and Colin makes the family even stronger. That your children are truly the loves of your life and make you a better and stronger person. That when Jack sees Colin, he has the biggest smile on his face that even mommy and daddy can't bring out of him. And you'll find those special moments when it's just you and Colin, whether sitting on the couch & watching tv laaaate at night/morning. Or at story time. And that Jack's jet-setting attitude keeps the family on their toes. And that one of your favorite times of the day is in the morning with the kids in the car and they are both chatting away to each other.
So go ahead and mourn the end of a trio. But as one door closes, another opens and this one is much more awesome.
oh the begining (sp) I creid whiel reading my girls a book about a week after I had baylee for no reason then just the change. it will get a tiny bit better. also I too constantly feel that I am neglecting my kids while nursing and changing and now working and just being so tired but I always try to make sure that I I spend a couple of minutes with them if nothing else but to read a book or brush barbies hair. try to not think about the fact that you ahve a dirty house or that ava does not have her hair done or a good dinner use that time to play with ava instead it took me a long time to get used to not always being clean but I think it helps me also I have a thing I like to call FAT FRIDAYS were we do nothing we eat popcorn and lay in my bed and watch movies together it is my one day that I say who cares how much tv we watch and my girls love it (also I dont get dressed that day) good luck!
oh diana. I only have one little girl. But I worry about the same thing all the time. (I tend to worry about problems that haven't even presented themselves yet) I do know that I have cried at almost every big mile stone in petra's life. She crawled, I cried, she walked, I cried, she said "hi mommy!" I cried, she went to nursery, I cried. I am sure I will have a hard time when she becomes a big sister. I guess just know you are not alone. I think that you are a great mom, so you feel strongly about the situation. All will be well diana. Think about how much you love your sibling. Thats what you are giving Ava and Emaline! Good Luck!
Oh man...everything you wrote about has me scared. Those are all feeling and worries I have and I am not due till November. I am very scared for the change....I am going to be looking to you to help me with all of your words of wisdom!
I've been waiting for you to post since the last one. I feel like the second child is such a big step/change for the family, and I think your feelings are certainly validated. This is probably too much information, but oh well, I found out I was pregnant in April and had all of those feelings you described in this post. I was so nervous, wondering if I could even handle it. Well, in May I had a miscarriage and those thoughts turned into guilt for even thinking that(I really don't know why I'm telling you all of this 'cause it doesn't pertain to you...I guess I just need to get it out) Anyways, not that my opinion matters or anything, but I do think those thoughts are normal, and somehow every mom seems to adjust! Moms seriously amaze me! And I think you even having those thoughts show that you're an amazing mother that loves your daughters dearly! And I'm so glad those pictures brought you comfort! That makes it all worth it to me! As cheesy as that is it's true. I am really flattered. I hope everything continues to get easier!
i can't even comprehend how that must feel.. but i'm sure there's a lot of good mixed with the bad! and, of course, the good feelings will come out on top and your family will be ready for yet another baby. your kids are so cute.
oh and i was remembering this barbershop quartet song that the members of weezer sang together... and it's called avaline (like ava and emaline put together). you should have bryce learn it and sing it to them.
Girls I promise it gets easier with each kid! Your a wonderful mom and you know what... if you have a bad day- kids forget! All it takes is a bunch of good pictures when they are 8 to convince them of their wonderful childhood! You aren't neglecting her- your raising a best friend! give it 6 weeks, it'll all get easier=)I'm really liking 18 months..
I had the exact feelings with Ella. Like I was losing my best little friend. Things between us have definately changed but, they have gotten better in different ways also! Ella was fine for a few weeks, got jealous for a few, and then was fine. You're doing great and darn those hormones!
If it makes you feel any better, I feel that way right now with having a new one for Bennett, I think it is just your youngest baby you worry and stress about messing up your relationship with. Because I don't worry about it at all with Ella, she's too excited!
Diana, You are such a wonderful Mother!! I'm sure it has been(and is going to be) an adjustment, but how wonderful that you guys have added a healthy beautiful little angel to your family.So very lucky! :)
Although, I can't say I know how you are feeling, i do know that change is hard to adjust to and you guys have just gone through a ginormous(don't know how to spell it)change. Don't be too hard on yourself, "emotional wrecks" are expected after babies(and for the next 18 years....ha, ha....j/k)
I agree with everyones comments about sisters(or siblings) though. They will be forever grateful for each other!
Lots of love to you guys.
Your sister's comment made me cry. What wonderful advice.
Things really will get better for you, I'm sure. And by that time, I'll probably be having some of the same feelings, and then you can reassure me. :)
Hang in there, Diana, I love you.
you know i know, you know?
find comfort in the fact that it only gets easier from here on out.
Oh I'm so excited for the sweet thing to finally show up! You're family is growin and that is an amazing blessing...Eva will adjust just fine to all the changes, it may be hard at first, but you'll find you'll love little emaline just as much as eva and eva will love her too! hang in there chica!
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