post one hundred

100 posts. wow. do i really have that much to talk about? i've seen other people's 100th post filled with 100 interesting facts about themselves, or 100 things they are thankful for, and although i have much to be thankful for, and could probably muster up 100 (not so) interesting facts about myself i don't think i will. instead, i'd like to take this time to remind myself of what is most important in my life.

today, as i was reading a friend's blog, she posted a link to another blog that she happened upon. she wrote a little bit about this person's blog and i grew interested, yet afraid at the same time to venture to this person's blog. being the pregnant emotional wreck that i have become lately, i knew that reading whatever what was on this person's blog would only cause uncontrollable, inconsolable sobbing... i was right. as my sweet daughter took an extra long nap, i spent more time than i should've scrolling through months and months of old blog entries from a person who lives on the other side of the world, whom i've never met, who tragically lost their 3 year old daughter, ava, less than a year ago. you can imagine how difficult it was for me to read through these posts especially after reading what her name was. i honestly don't know how the insanity entered my body and why i allowed myself to read on, post after post, but i couldn't stop and the tears kept flowing. i'll spare you the rest of the details of my embarassing emotional breakdown...

as i was reading i came across one of her posts that slapped me right in the face...

The Regrets

I know people say not to have them. That they are pointless and
will drive me mad. But they are there. Not about that day, not really. I know we
were doing nothing other than living out a normal day. That I believed she was
safe and sound. That I tried my absolute very best, every single day of her
life, to keep her safe. I didn't even let her go to the shopping center for fear
that she'd get lost. So I don't really feel like I could have done that day
differently.What I do regret though is not just taking more time.

Just kneeling down and putting lippy [lipstick] on her, every single morning, regardless of what someone might think or whether she's too young or if she'd ruin her new Oilily top.

I wish I'd taken her shopping on so many more days. I was just waiting
until she got "easier", when she might not pest or maybe get lost or throw a
tantrum.

One of my first entries on this blog is about wanting a proper tea
party with her. I never did it. I have no idea why but I never did. I guess I
thought I had time.

I regret not letting her wear whatever she wanted every
single day - why did I think it mattered?

She asked me to sleep in her bed one night. Why didn't I?

I just regret these things for me. Not for her. She had everything she needed. She had love. SOOOOOOOO much love. Every single day, she was loved. She was happy. She was cherished and adored. But for me, I am sad.

now, i know that i should never live my life, constantly thinking i'm going to regret everything i do, but this was a reminder to me to slow down, be more patient, more flexible, more understanding, more forgiving, less uptight, and to accept imperfections. the past few weeks have been a trying and difficult parenting time for me and bryce. ava is going through a new stage and has been acting up and testing her limits all over the place. my patience has never been tested to its limits as much as it has in these past weeks. i blame myself mostly, due to the lack of attention that i've been able to give to ava since i haven't been feeling well, but i believe it's also a difficult stage that she has entered as well. it was a good reminder to myself as i read these words of a mourning mother of the regrets that she had. i am so lucky to have my darling ava in my life, no matter how much she makes me feel like pulling out my hair. although i prefer those lovely times that she is smiling, playing, dancing, jumping, and laughing over those few times that she is yelling, screaming, and crying, i'm grateful that i have what i have, no matter how difficult and exhausting it becomes. i love my darling ava, and hope that she learns to forgive me for my shortcomings as i strive to become the mom she deserves. as i learn to take the time, to slow down.

i am hesitant to post a link to this lady's blog, but even though reading her blog brought much sadness to me, it also reminded me how lucky i am and how grateful i need to be, so i'm going to go ahead and share by adding a link to her blog. you can decide whether or not you want to visit it, but consider yourself warned. she is a fabulous photographer, and her photos alone can bring someone to tears. such talent!